Undine had thanked him, and just like her, Rey's gratitude might as well be a bullet through his own, mechanical heart. Though Nick knows Rey means it, that her sincerity is as real as the ghost of Undine's love had been for her daughter, there's something about being thanked for killing someone that doesn't sit well with him. It can't to someone like Nick, who lives for justice and doing the right thing.
There was no 'right thing' in this case. There was no justice; only gods hungry for emotions, and taking them any way they could, no matter who they had to damn along the way.
His eyes hit the table before he closes them; he puts a hand to his brow, struggling to deal with the images that keep coming to the top of his computerized mind. The longer he dwells on them, the harder it is to keep what happened to Jenny separate from Undine. He knows they were two separate incidents in two different times and two different worlds, but the heartache feels the same.
"I know you'd have done the same for me," he utters from behind his hand, "but I don't deserve thanks for what happened. I don't think I want it."
It shouldn't come as any surprise that Nick wouldn't accept Rey's recognition for what he's done for her. He might not want to see it, but she can't ignore it, either.
Reluctant, she slides her hand away from Nick's for the moment, her mouth tightening into a frown as she struggles with her warring feelings regarding what has happened to them and between them in all the time they've known each other.
"You know, we never got to live together. Not really," Rey says in a quiet tone. Several moments of silence have passed before she allows herself to speak again. "Was still underground, and she was... gone, by the time I ever saw the surface. Barely even got to spend much time outside of that damned glass cage they had me in."
She scoffs despite herself, thinking about the many conversations she and Undine had during that time. How most of it was academic and not, say, about relationships, what they were eating that night, what Rey wanted to be, who she wanted to be...
Her jaw locks up. "I'm not happy with what they did to her. What they made you have to do. But I... I never got to do the things we were able to do together then. Have dinner together. Walk in the park. Just talk. Never got to have that, and never will. All I have is that memory of her that was here."
Undine was here. She died here as well. Hell, she might have even been born by the logic that this place manipulates.
Hand covering her face, shielding her eyes, Rey releases a shaky breath as she continues. "I never got to have a mother and father and family like that, and I never will... And. The worst part? The worst part isn't that none of it was even real -- it's that I got to have something I'll never have--" Teeth clenched, she hisses: "--and I want it back if it could have been real."
That life, that family. Her mother. Even if it wasn't real, and something so far beyond her reach, she was happy that such memories far beyond her own imagination even exist.
It's Nick's turn to reach out; he puts his hand on Rey's arm, and though he can't muster up a comforting smile for her, there is sincerity in his eyes, the kind one anyone might mistake for truly human. It's one of those things that makes Nick Nick, that gets folks to trust him despite his artificial body. He might be manufactured, but he's got more of a soul than a lot of people. It gives him empathy, allows him to truly feel.
And what he feels right then is a connection to the family he's found in Hadriel.
"I know none of it was real," he says as quiet, muted pain tugs at his features; it tightens his brow with worry, putting knots in it as well as his heart. "Not any more real than I am the original Nick Valentine. Had a bunch of memories shoved into our heads, feelings you can't tell if are yours or someone else's programming..."
His eyes lodge themselves on the table as he pauses, his nose wrinkling. It's rare that he's at a loss of words; he tries again.
"What I'm trying to say is... I know how you feel. I never had a family until this place. The only memories I had of one are Nick's, and even then, they're vague, blurry, incomplete... and not even mine anyway. Hell, if I'm being honest, it felt good to have one for a change. It felt good to have you, and be settled down... the kind of life a machine like me is never gonna have."
And while he's not proud in some ways to admit that -- to admit he liked that fantasy world the gods cooked up after all the heartache they've caused -- he isn't about to lie to Rey. If she's feeling pathetic, then he's pathetic, too.
But at least they're pathetic together. They're family, and Nick wouldn't have it any other way.
Birds of a feather, as they say. That's what they are, despite all of their differences. At the core, there's not much that sets them apart.
Her throat tightens as Nick reaches out. Her hand draws down her face to look him in the eye when he speaks. The way he brings himself down again by not being the real Nick, by these memories that belong to neither him nor her -- that isn't something she can really abide.
"It wasn't all fake," Rey tells him after she gathers her thoughts for a few seconds. "At least, I don't think it was."
The feelings she had about Nick, her mother... It was a nice dream, but there was some truth there as well.
Hell, even Maketh...
Rey locks up her thought there. She'll figure out the deal with Maketh eventually.
Thankfully, Nick gets what Rey's implying. He graces her with the slightest of smiles, its appearance only a bare curl at one corner of his mouth as he meets her eyes.
"Yeah," he agrees quietly. "Maybe not all of it." A lot of that fake world may have been dreamed up by the gods, but when it comes down to he and Rey feel about one another as family, well... either they were right on the money, or that was something genuine shining through. He chooses to believe the latter, in this case. The gods have meddled enough lately.
He sighs, pressing at his temple with his bare hand. He can't really get headaches in the traditional sense, and yet, he can feel one trying to gum the cogs in his head as his processor continues to struggle with all that's on his mind. He's been under duress plenty of times in his synthetic existence, had to handle complicated cases with no clear solution, had some situations end messier than he'd like. So much at once though, and not just for him, but for Rey -- it's taking a toll on his health, and he knows it.
Well, on whatever kind of health a machine can have that is affected by stress, at least. Nick reminds himself inwardly that he has to take care of himself to take care of her. That's how two people like them, folks who don't put themselves first, compromise.
"I'm still trying to sort it all out," he admits quietly, his tone gravely serious. "I'm not sure what it is, but things haven't been working as well as they ought to lately."
Not just as family, but as the one person who knows how to tend to his mechanical clockwork, Nick's response elicits some cause for concern. Because she knows it isn't always as something as simple as a psychological problem, or vice versa...
Much as she wants to assure him that everything will be all right, she doesn't want to fill him with empty assurances and no guarantee. Besides, there is a more pressing query in the back of her mind.
"How do you mean?" She leans forward, brows knitted as she studies Nick's weathered features. "What 'things' aren't working for you?"
"It's probably just my imagination," Nick reassures, his eyes flicking to Rey as he gives a little shrug, knowing good and well it isn't his imagination at all, "or maybe I just got too used to that easy life in Diamond City. Had a lot of cases, but it was nothing compared to all we go through here."
He pauses for just a moment; his inclination is to not worry her, not when Rey has been through so much in the past month or so, but his instinct tells him he should tell someone what's going on. If there's anyone he can trust with matters both mechanical and mental, it's Rey... and frankly, he's not sure which one this is. He's no doctor, and no technician -- hell, for all he knows, it could be both.
And while he's not keen on admitting that, he's got to do something. It's getting to be a problem.
"Things just haven't been processing well lately," he continues, his voice quieter. He taps the side of his head: "Up here. Memories of Nick's are getting mixed up with some of the things I've seen and done, bad enough to where it's hard to tell the difference. Can't shut 'em out as easily as I used to, either."
Between her own experience and what she knows or Nick's, Rey is fairly sure that his imagination is probably not the problem here. But she doesn't say anything. Just lets him collect his thoughts and figure it out before she can come to her in conclusions.
When he does tell her, she can't say she's surprised. Knowing the limitations of synthetics, she can understand where Nick is coming from.
"You know," she finally says, a crease in her forehead. "I could take a look. Undine's... She was a very brilliant researcher. Did a lot of robotics and engineering work."
It's what attracted the attention of very powerful government officials, whose influence had landed her on the underground facility where Rey was born. Ultimately, she exists because of Undine's brilliance.
This isn't about her, though.
"She... showed me some things. While she was here." Things from Nick's terminal, no less. Things that helped her understand a little more of what might be wrong with him.
Nick's brow furrows, his eyes narrowing as he puts some thought into what Rey is offering. He's not warm on the idea of just anyone messing with his primary processor: after all, that little piece of hardware holds all that he is, both the synthetic Nick Valentine and the original who is copied there. It holds all his memories, all his experiences -- without it, he's just a metal shell of a man, something without a personality or a life of its own.
Hell, he'd be no better than the older synths set upon the Commonwealth by the Institute, mechanical monstrosities that only appear human from a distance. You get close, and it becomes apparent what they are, even more so the second they start talking. They aren't people. He doesn't consider himself a real person on most days either, but he'd still take what he is over what he would be without those memories, without Nick's behavior and personality wired into him. He can't just go get another copy; if his data banks get fried, that's it.
Of course, Rey isn't just anyone: she's handled his mechanisms before, put them back together, even replaced some of them when absolutely necessary. She's traded her time and skills for pieces just to keep him running, has got more mechanical know-how than most folks in town, and definitely has more of his trust than anyone else. There's always the suspicion that the Undine who came to Hadriel might have just been some shade the gods made to stir up trouble, one who couldn't have possibly helped Rey figure out something new... but he's willing to go with his gut on this one. If Rey says Undine showed her some things and thinks they might help, then he'll put his faith in her.
Nick meets Rey's eyes again, giving her a nod. "All right, then. Let's take a look."
The willingness to accept her help means more than Nick probably knows. Or maybe he does. Either way, she hates the thought of him suffering, physically or emotionally -- and he does have emotions. So much so that it's almost an affliction when one considers the mechanical nature of their being. But he, like Rey, is what he is; ghosts in smoke and mirrors.
"Thank you." Rey exhales as she pushes out of her seat, more relieved than anything not to making an argument out of this. Before heading to the office where the terminal is set up, she glances to Nick. "Hope you don't mind that we were using it, while she was here." Pause. She bites her lower lip. "She, um... She helped me with some things, you know? I don't know whether or not it was the gods or myself or maybe there was some bit of her that was in that..."
"What, the terminal?" Nick asks, catching her glance. He gives her as reassuring a look as he can muster. He knows the tone that's heavy in her voice. "I'm just glad it's getting use. All it is in my hands is glorified storage."
He means for notes, but in the right hands, it could be more.
"And if she managed to help you figure out some things," he continues, softer, "then that's good enough for me." He might never admit it aloud, but she helped him figure out some things, too -- things that went unsaid far too often between himself and Rey.
A wry smile forms. "Admittedly, it took some getting used to for us both. The interface is very..." Rey makes a circular gesture in the air. "...retro?"
Hard to think that Nick hails from a place so advanced to create sentient machines using operating systems for such old general-purpose computing. But she's not here to critique the old school style of his world's aesthetics.
"She was like that," Rey continues as she seats herself in front of the terminal in the office. Her eyes remain glued to the screen than to Nick himself. "Smart as hell, always wanted to help. Was interning for the project that eventually made me at seventeen. She..."
Her face reddens as she stops herself. She ducks her head, staring down at the keyboard where her hands are.
"Sorry."
Why is she apologizing? Why is she telling him this? Hasn't it hurt him enough without knowing these things?
Chest tightening, Rey goes back to focusing on the words on the screen.
Does talking about it really help? Undine used to think so. Rey isn't so sure, though.
Nick's insistence is firm; this is not her fault. None of it is. He's having a hard enough time reminding himself of that, given how jumbled those flashes of memory seem to be these days. Even as he says that, he can hear someone telling him the same thing, a long dead echo reverberating in the back of his mind.
This isn't your fault, Nick.
He'd been angry at the time, furious to hear those words. He was confused when he'd heard them again in the wastes, before he realized the synth he'd become -- the human he'd never truly been, despite those memories. Now, that reassurance just wears on him. Jenny hadn't been his fault, and in a way, Undine wasn't... but he'd been the one to put the bullet in her. He'd been made an accessory, used like a tool.
His hand is back at his temple as he takes the sitting chair near the bed; he's still trying to shut out the auditory feedback playing in his mind, but it's an old recording he can't quite erase.
He means well; his assurance is even welcome. But guilt still grips its dirty fingers around Rey's heart that she brings such things up at all. Reopens the wounds that are still fresh in both of them.
"Right. Anyway..." She shakes her head, refocusing her attention on the screen in front of her. "We actually managed to figure out how to put together something that'll help me interface with your gear, but I'll need your help."
From a drawer in the desk, Rey extracts a long cord. One end is fashioned to hook up to the hardware itself, but the other end is a needle, half an inch in length, that appears to connect to something else.
Nick takes a look at cord, surprised by how much Undine's ghost managed to help while she was here. Her presence hurt like hell for both of them... but there was good there, too. It's important to remember that.
He takes the needle end, getting a feeling he knows where this is going from what Rey said. Interface, like a machine. "Just tell me what to do."
Whether the help came from Undine or Rey's own memory, the possibility doesn't cross her mind. Can't bring herself to even question it.
She focuses on the reality at present, now that it isn't just Nick's head that's at stake here -- but Rey's, to some extent.
"It needs to go here." She points to the back of her own head. "There's a port in the dura that connects to my brain. I'd do it myself, but the needle is a little bigger than the one my father used, so it's a little tricky."
One of the downsides to improvising with what they have here. That, and the process hurts like hell, but Nick might not like knowing that part.
Though his brow knits with discomfort, he takes a look at the back of Rey's head, trying to figure out where to plug the needle in. Rey might not say it hurts, but he gets the distinct feeling it's going to -- hell, some people would say that's the whole point of them.
After gingerly brushing aside some of her hair, he finds the port; he hesitates. "You sure about this?"
There's a sigh from behind her, one that, without a single word, says Nick doesn't really want to do this, but he doesn't have a choice. Even if he changes his mind, there's not much he can do to change hers.
His fingers tighten on the needle for just a second before he aligns it with the port and pushes it in, making quick work of it, as requested.
She expects the sharp sting searing through her skull before the needle even punctures skin. Rey grits her teeth in attempt to dull her reaction to the pain. Nick doesn't need to know how much it hurts. Undine did, but Rey didn't let that stop her.
"Good news, I'm not brain-fried." Rey forces a curt laugh, bringing a hand to the side of the needle to make sure that it's correctly in place.
Rey might be trying to keep it as quiet as possible, but he can tell this is no picnic for her. No sense in arguing with her now, though. He voices his disapproval with another, stifled sigh as he sits back down. He doesn't yet reach for the wires that hook into him -- he wants to make sure she'll be all right before proceeding. The more he thinks on this idea, the less he likes it.
But hell, that goes for a lot of things lately, his memories included.
Bringing her hand to the terminal keyboard, Rey waits while her brain recognizes the alien software.
"Could be worse. Don't know how the hell Tejinder could do this all the time." She snorts, pointing to her own temple. "That guy has a port right here that shit can just go into. Looks a lot easier."
Less painful, too -- and a lot less conspicuous. Rey wasn't supposed to know what she was for the longest time. Any obvious indicators of synthetic hardware would have easily given that secret away.
Though Nick knows that any insistence of I'm fine from Rey is generally cause for doubt, especially when she has a wire shoved into the back of her skull, there's no going back now. The numbers on the screen move and change as the terminal recognizes her as its user. Looks like she and Undine really did manage to make it work for her. Strange how even technology from other worlds can connect; it's just a reminder that they're not so different, him and Rey.
With his own port at the back of his skull, just where his neck connects to his head, Nick hands Rey the wire so she can plug him in whenever she's ready. "Undine happen to tell you what you oughtta be looking for when a synth's memory starts going haywire?"
He certainly hopes it isn't as bad as he put it just then.
"She might've made a few suggestions regarding output limitations. I'd like to take a look at that just to make sure, though." She casts him a sidelong look, but continues typing. "Don't suppose that Institute of yours was able to produce anything like a quantum board."
More of a statement than a question. It took decades for the team that made her to create such a thing -- and that was with more complicated equipment than a terminal like this.
"Hell if I know," he replies quietly, his eyes back on his bare hand. "I don't even know why they built me or how I got out of there in the first place, remember?"
Though Nick tries to keep any degree of bitterness from his voice, it's hard, especially when he's having to doubt his own memories. When it comes to that brother he might have had, he can't even blame his faulty memory on the gods -- that's all him. Maybe a wire got crossed, maybe he took some damage at some point that got his processor mixed up, or maybe he's just always been like this, but whatever the reason, it's clearly been weighing on him for some time.
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no subject
Date: 2017-08-09 05:31 am (UTC)There was no 'right thing' in this case. There was no justice; only gods hungry for emotions, and taking them any way they could, no matter who they had to damn along the way.
His eyes hit the table before he closes them; he puts a hand to his brow, struggling to deal with the images that keep coming to the top of his computerized mind. The longer he dwells on them, the harder it is to keep what happened to Jenny separate from Undine. He knows they were two separate incidents in two different times and two different worlds, but the heartache feels the same.
"I know you'd have done the same for me," he utters from behind his hand, "but I don't deserve thanks for what happened. I don't think I want it."
no subject
Date: 2017-08-10 03:41 am (UTC)Reluctant, she slides her hand away from Nick's for the moment, her mouth tightening into a frown as she struggles with her warring feelings regarding what has happened to them and between them in all the time they've known each other.
"You know, we never got to live together. Not really," Rey says in a quiet tone. Several moments of silence have passed before she allows herself to speak again. "Was still underground, and she was... gone, by the time I ever saw the surface. Barely even got to spend much time outside of that damned glass cage they had me in."
She scoffs despite herself, thinking about the many conversations she and Undine had during that time. How most of it was academic and not, say, about relationships, what they were eating that night, what Rey wanted to be, who she wanted to be...
Her jaw locks up. "I'm not happy with what they did to her. What they made you have to do. But I... I never got to do the things we were able to do together then. Have dinner together. Walk in the park. Just talk. Never got to have that, and never will. All I have is that memory of her that was here."
Undine was here. She died here as well. Hell, she might have even been born by the logic that this place manipulates.
Hand covering her face, shielding her eyes, Rey releases a shaky breath as she continues. "I never got to have a mother and father and family like that, and I never will... And. The worst part? The worst part isn't that none of it was even real -- it's that I got to have something I'll never have--" Teeth clenched, she hisses: "--and I want it back if it could have been real."
That life, that family. Her mother. Even if it wasn't real, and something so far beyond her reach, she was happy that such memories far beyond her own imagination even exist.
How utterly pathetic she must be.
no subject
Date: 2017-08-17 08:49 am (UTC)And what he feels right then is a connection to the family he's found in Hadriel.
"I know none of it was real," he says as quiet, muted pain tugs at his features; it tightens his brow with worry, putting knots in it as well as his heart. "Not any more real than I am the original Nick Valentine. Had a bunch of memories shoved into our heads, feelings you can't tell if are yours or someone else's programming..."
His eyes lodge themselves on the table as he pauses, his nose wrinkling. It's rare that he's at a loss of words; he tries again.
"What I'm trying to say is... I know how you feel. I never had a family until this place. The only memories I had of one are Nick's, and even then, they're vague, blurry, incomplete... and not even mine anyway. Hell, if I'm being honest, it felt good to have one for a change. It felt good to have you, and be settled down... the kind of life a machine like me is never gonna have."
And while he's not proud in some ways to admit that -- to admit he liked that fantasy world the gods cooked up after all the heartache they've caused -- he isn't about to lie to Rey. If she's feeling pathetic, then he's pathetic, too.
But at least they're pathetic together. They're family, and Nick wouldn't have it any other way.
no subject
Date: 2017-08-20 01:45 am (UTC)Her throat tightens as Nick reaches out. Her hand draws down her face to look him in the eye when he speaks. The way he brings himself down again by not being the real Nick, by these memories that belong to neither him nor her -- that isn't something she can really abide.
"It wasn't all fake," Rey tells him after she gathers her thoughts for a few seconds. "At least, I don't think it was."
The feelings she had about Nick, her mother... It was a nice dream, but there was some truth there as well.
Hell, even Maketh...
Rey locks up her thought there. She'll figure out the deal with Maketh eventually.
no subject
Date: 2017-08-20 06:30 am (UTC)"Yeah," he agrees quietly. "Maybe not all of it." A lot of that fake world may have been dreamed up by the gods, but when it comes down to he and Rey feel about one another as family, well... either they were right on the money, or that was something genuine shining through. He chooses to believe the latter, in this case. The gods have meddled enough lately.
He sighs, pressing at his temple with his bare hand. He can't really get headaches in the traditional sense, and yet, he can feel one trying to gum the cogs in his head as his processor continues to struggle with all that's on his mind. He's been under duress plenty of times in his synthetic existence, had to handle complicated cases with no clear solution, had some situations end messier than he'd like. So much at once though, and not just for him, but for Rey -- it's taking a toll on his health, and he knows it.
Well, on whatever kind of health a machine can have that is affected by stress, at least. Nick reminds himself inwardly that he has to take care of himself to take care of her. That's how two people like them, folks who don't put themselves first, compromise.
"I'm still trying to sort it all out," he admits quietly, his tone gravely serious. "I'm not sure what it is, but things haven't been working as well as they ought to lately."
And by things, he means himself.
no subject
Date: 2017-08-20 10:20 pm (UTC)Much as she wants to assure him that everything will be all right, she doesn't want to fill him with empty assurances and no guarantee. Besides, there is a more pressing query in the back of her mind.
"How do you mean?" She leans forward, brows knitted as she studies Nick's weathered features. "What 'things' aren't working for you?"
no subject
Date: 2017-08-20 10:51 pm (UTC)He pauses for just a moment; his inclination is to not worry her, not when Rey has been through so much in the past month or so, but his instinct tells him he should tell someone what's going on. If there's anyone he can trust with matters both mechanical and mental, it's Rey... and frankly, he's not sure which one this is. He's no doctor, and no technician -- hell, for all he knows, it could be both.
And while he's not keen on admitting that, he's got to do something. It's getting to be a problem.
"Things just haven't been processing well lately," he continues, his voice quieter. He taps the side of his head: "Up here. Memories of Nick's are getting mixed up with some of the things I've seen and done, bad enough to where it's hard to tell the difference. Can't shut 'em out as easily as I used to, either."
no subject
Date: 2017-08-21 01:52 am (UTC)When he does tell her, she can't say she's surprised. Knowing the limitations of synthetics, she can understand where Nick is coming from.
"You know," she finally says, a crease in her forehead. "I could take a look. Undine's... She was a very brilliant researcher. Did a lot of robotics and engineering work."
It's what attracted the attention of very powerful government officials, whose influence had landed her on the underground facility where Rey was born. Ultimately, she exists because of Undine's brilliance.
This isn't about her, though.
"She... showed me some things. While she was here." Things from Nick's terminal, no less. Things that helped her understand a little more of what might be wrong with him.
no subject
Date: 2017-08-21 02:41 am (UTC)Hell, he'd be no better than the older synths set upon the Commonwealth by the Institute, mechanical monstrosities that only appear human from a distance. You get close, and it becomes apparent what they are, even more so the second they start talking. They aren't people. He doesn't consider himself a real person on most days either, but he'd still take what he is over what he would be without those memories, without Nick's behavior and personality wired into him. He can't just go get another copy; if his data banks get fried, that's it.
Of course, Rey isn't just anyone: she's handled his mechanisms before, put them back together, even replaced some of them when absolutely necessary. She's traded her time and skills for pieces just to keep him running, has got more mechanical know-how than most folks in town, and definitely has more of his trust than anyone else. There's always the suspicion that the Undine who came to Hadriel might have just been some shade the gods made to stir up trouble, one who couldn't have possibly helped Rey figure out something new... but he's willing to go with his gut on this one. If Rey says Undine showed her some things and thinks they might help, then he'll put his faith in her.
Nick meets Rey's eyes again, giving her a nod. "All right, then. Let's take a look."
no subject
Date: 2017-08-21 03:27 am (UTC)"Thank you." Rey exhales as she pushes out of her seat, more relieved than anything not to making an argument out of this. Before heading to the office where the terminal is set up, she glances to Nick. "Hope you don't mind that we were using it, while she was here." Pause. She bites her lower lip. "She, um... She helped me with some things, you know? I don't know whether or not it was the gods or myself or maybe there was some bit of her that was in that..."
Does it matter, in the end?
no subject
Date: 2017-08-21 04:28 am (UTC)He means for notes, but in the right hands, it could be more.
"And if she managed to help you figure out some things," he continues, softer, "then that's good enough for me." He might never admit it aloud, but she helped him figure out some things, too -- things that went unsaid far too often between himself and Rey.
no subject
Date: 2017-08-21 05:20 am (UTC)Hard to think that Nick hails from a place so advanced to create sentient machines using operating systems for such old general-purpose computing. But she's not here to critique the old school style of his world's aesthetics.
"She was like that," Rey continues as she seats herself in front of the terminal in the office. Her eyes remain glued to the screen than to Nick himself. "Smart as hell, always wanted to help. Was interning for the project that eventually made me at seventeen. She..."
Her face reddens as she stops herself. She ducks her head, staring down at the keyboard where her hands are.
"Sorry."
Why is she apologizing? Why is she telling him this? Hasn't it hurt him enough without knowing these things?
Chest tightening, Rey goes back to focusing on the words on the screen.
Does talking about it really help? Undine used to think so. Rey isn't so sure, though.
no subject
Date: 2017-08-23 11:54 pm (UTC)Nick's insistence is firm; this is not her fault. None of it is. He's having a hard enough time reminding himself of that, given how jumbled those flashes of memory seem to be these days. Even as he says that, he can hear someone telling him the same thing, a long dead echo reverberating in the back of his mind.
This isn't your fault, Nick.
He'd been angry at the time, furious to hear those words. He was confused when he'd heard them again in the wastes, before he realized the synth he'd become -- the human he'd never truly been, despite those memories. Now, that reassurance just wears on him. Jenny hadn't been his fault, and in a way, Undine wasn't... but he'd been the one to put the bullet in her. He'd been made an accessory, used like a tool.
His hand is back at his temple as he takes the sitting chair near the bed; he's still trying to shut out the auditory feedback playing in his mind, but it's an old recording he can't quite erase.
no subject
Date: 2017-08-25 02:27 am (UTC)"Right. Anyway..." She shakes her head, refocusing her attention on the screen in front of her. "We actually managed to figure out how to put together something that'll help me interface with your gear, but I'll need your help."
From a drawer in the desk, Rey extracts a long cord. One end is fashioned to hook up to the hardware itself, but the other end is a needle, half an inch in length, that appears to connect to something else.
no subject
Date: 2017-08-25 04:34 am (UTC)He takes the needle end, getting a feeling he knows where this is going from what Rey said. Interface, like a machine. "Just tell me what to do."
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Date: 2017-08-25 09:13 pm (UTC)She focuses on the reality at present, now that it isn't just Nick's head that's at stake here -- but Rey's, to some extent.
"It needs to go here." She points to the back of her own head. "There's a port in the dura that connects to my brain. I'd do it myself, but the needle is a little bigger than the one my father used, so it's a little tricky."
One of the downsides to improvising with what they have here. That, and the process hurts like hell, but Nick might not like knowing that part.
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Date: 2017-08-25 10:47 pm (UTC)After gingerly brushing aside some of her hair, he finds the port; he hesitates. "You sure about this?"
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Date: 2017-08-26 02:33 am (UTC)But no. This has to be done. It's the easiest way for her to help Nick.
"Sure I'm sure," she says flatly. "Just make it quick."
It's been a long time since she's done something like this, but she's never really forgotten.
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Date: 2017-08-26 04:53 am (UTC)His fingers tighten on the needle for just a second before he aligns it with the port and pushes it in, making quick work of it, as requested.
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Date: 2017-08-26 11:41 pm (UTC)"Good news, I'm not brain-fried." Rey forces a curt laugh, bringing a hand to the side of the needle to make sure that it's correctly in place.
Also good news -- it is.
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Date: 2017-08-27 08:12 am (UTC)But hell, that goes for a lot of things lately, his memories included.
"Well? How is it?"
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Date: 2017-08-28 05:49 am (UTC)"Could be worse. Don't know how the hell Tejinder could do this all the time." She snorts, pointing to her own temple. "That guy has a port right here that shit can just go into. Looks a lot easier."
Less painful, too -- and a lot less conspicuous. Rey wasn't supposed to know what she was for the longest time. Any obvious indicators of synthetic hardware would have easily given that secret away.
She scoffs. "Anyway, I'm fine."
Or she will be. She'll have to, for Nick.
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Date: 2017-08-29 08:49 am (UTC)With his own port at the back of his skull, just where his neck connects to his head, Nick hands Rey the wire so she can plug him in whenever she's ready. "Undine happen to tell you what you oughtta be looking for when a synth's memory starts going haywire?"
He certainly hopes it isn't as bad as he put it just then.
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Date: 2017-08-29 02:28 pm (UTC)"She might've made a few suggestions regarding output limitations. I'd like to take a look at that just to make sure, though." She casts him a sidelong look, but continues typing. "Don't suppose that Institute of yours was able to produce anything like a quantum board."
More of a statement than a question. It took decades for the team that made her to create such a thing -- and that was with more complicated equipment than a terminal like this.
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Date: 2017-09-21 01:49 am (UTC)Though Nick tries to keep any degree of bitterness from his voice, it's hard, especially when he's having to doubt his own memories. When it comes to that brother he might have had, he can't even blame his faulty memory on the gods -- that's all him. Maybe a wire got crossed, maybe he took some damage at some point that got his processor mixed up, or maybe he's just always been like this, but whatever the reason, it's clearly been weighing on him for some time.
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